2001-09-17 - 8:11 p.m.
its good to know that you are home for christmas.
well jared is definitely here. not here with me, but in nashville. our conversation was like it hasnt been in a while. it was an actual conversation. it wasnt me mourning for his friends death or his sister in the hospital. it was strictly a friendly conversation. he seemed to be in the spirits to be told how happy i am, with dave. i told him i didnt want to see him. he understood. i think he was just happy to hear me talk about something. for so long, the extent of my words have been only, "i see." and, "im sorry to hear that." its not that im complaining. ive wanted to support him through these times, but i also feel guilty for being selfish in wondering where he was when i was hurting. hes always been able to find me, but it has never been to possible to pinpoint him. and, he always had a way of making me feel like my problems were insignificant, and that the only reason i was hurting was because i didnt have hope. that always bothered me.
i told him that i was glad to have him back, the real-jared, for once. its always promising to hear of peace from him, because maybe, one person that ive been involved in has found a place to live, contently. the oh so formers are all manic depressives, especially him.
but the truth is, i dont remember them. or him, actually. i dont remember what it was like with any of these people. its all a nasty blur. i guess its because now i have something to smile about all of the time. i have no reason to reflect or wonder. now i have someone i can venerate, peacefully, and never worry. its all just so lovely.
damn i really need to get off of that.
im getting sick. and i miss taka. i dont know why, hes always around, but i miss him, somehow. my friends feel really distant, all of a sudden. oh and carolyn is being especially nice, and i really feel like looking straight at her and saying, "look, i dont like you." its just hard, because the things that we laugh about ARE funny. we have such a similar sense of humor, a sense that only comes to me when shes around. its pretty discouraging. i really dont know what to do.
i wish that i had more to report. some reasonably reasonable things to say. but i dont. im a little tired. gnight kids. take care.
