2001-09-03 - 11:09 p.m.
i wrote this a little earlier.
-
isnt it funny how when you think that its all coming together
everyone else falls apart
not funny, “haha,” funny weird.
agony screaming tears all around a circle of content
desolation and grief
theyre hurting
they dont need me. just themselves
im just a sidetrack a distraction
it helps, i know, because i do the same
i need them too
but for now we are young
let us lay in the sun
and count every beautiful thing we can see
but what comes before that is hurting me
why am i so afraid of the ashes
not my own, mindful.
weve talked about the ashes before
but i never said what
afraid of grief. desolation. tears. screaming.
it hurt me so badly when he spoke before
of that day
because i was there
if it would have been me
in her place
he in his
or even if
if it would have been me
coming home
to hold him
i wouldnt make it
im not making it now
gregg is leaving
as i always planned to do
im proud of him
he needs it more than me.
they all do.
-
and now my mood is completely different. not better. just different. i told taka about the dream. started crying again. ill bet you that ive cried four times over that, not including in the dream. he giggled. assured me that yes, he was alive. assured me that he wouldnt leave me. reminded me that we are brother and sister. i asked if i could call him at any time in the middle of the night to make sure he was alive. he said yes, ha. it felt really good to hear him say those things, as simple as they are.
i really should get some sleep. i have a long day tommorow. the psychotherapist should help all of this. i have high hopes.
i already miss him.
