2001-08-28 - 10:27 p.m.
i felt like writing another one.
im finding it harder to find anything to find. mainly words. and im having those flashback things. of nights that i regret. embarassment. vulnerability. my face turns red all of the time now. i used to be so self-assured. maybe im trying too much to please too much. maybe im wrong to take action. maybe i should be more passive. maybe i should write and talk a lot less and think a little more. read a little more. play guitar some more. avoid smiling when theres nothing to smile about. someone called me on that one time. said, "you know, you dont have to laugh at every thing that my mom says." that hit hard, because i didnt even realize that i was doing it. not smile less, just be less nervous all of the time. what has happened to me? im so fuckin uptight. i cant ever even convince him that whatever he did was simply fine, if not wonderful, if not perfect. because so often, it is perfect. he says those things that stick in your mind, because they were so damn right, or so damn touching. if it was a little less hot in here, i could breathe. its not that im jealous. its just that i could say so much more. that i want to say. every day. i dont say a damn thing, ever. maybe im afraid that nothing will come out. that theres nothing left of me that isnt already obvious or spoken. i dont even think anymore. i dont even wonder or ponder or search. i just wait. ive been waiting for too long. been told for over a year that i shouldnt be where i am. that i need more. that i could do more. but why the hell cant i do more here. why cant i fix clay and why cant i reach out to the girl behind me and why cant i fix takas brother and get taka out of there and why cant i console katie and why can i decieve myself and why cant i comfort carolyn and tell her that she will always be better than and before me because i know thats what she wants to hear and all i want her to feel is relief instead of anything else and why cant i tell my brother how much i care for him and why are there people that i care about and people that i dont and why cant i do what i know will help my parents and why cant i keep my mouth shut and why cant i say what i want and why cant i get past myself.
im tired. that helped. thanks, diary.
