2001-08-06 - 10:45 p.m.
ahh im home from a long day of fun and dave. i am going to miss him so much. and i am going to miss the show. and i digress, but will return to this later.
i cried this morning in the shower. all of this built up anger and feelings of disappointment towards my mother is weighing on me. im not going to get in to all of that complaining about her again. i promised myself that i wouldnt. from now on, i am composed, nonchalant, detatched from her and the life that she wants me to live. from now on i will keep my mouth closed and just do the things that i feel are right or justified. if she has a problem with it, thats exactly what it will be, her problem. i am sick of accepting her guilt and stress with my weakness and innocence. i only do things for her now because i want to. i have no other reason to fulfill her ideals of what my life should be like. i am not a virgin. i have experienced both mood and mind-altering substances to my hearts desire. i have lied. i have cheated. i am not a christian. i will no longer be ahsamed of these things because she would be offended by them. i will just be me, now, not hers. i belong to no one, and its taken me so long to come to terms with that. the only people that will posess me are those that i choose. not those, necessarily, that i was born to.
posess without the third s is poses. add an i and you get posies. i like posies. ha. i also like tulips, a lot. much better than roses. roses are so overused and boring. give me a tulip any day over a rose. especially yellow ones, or the dark pink ones. i want white ones in my wedding bouquet, even though theyre rare and hard to come by. i have lots of plans for my wedding already. tlc has helped, but i think that i have possibly always known what i wanted on that fateful day. i want outside (because everything is always better outside), and i think that i want very very few people there, a number with a single digit, maybe. i want white tulips and a soft and simple white dress. i want silver bands and no veil. i want a lake or an ocean to wade in after i am wed. i dont think that i want a reception, because i want my honeymoon to begin right there. ergo, ideally, i would like my wedding to be in a very distant, isolated, and of course, beautiful place. i want i want i want. these arent that bad, though. not too much to ask for. actually id be happy if the wedding was just me and him. like sonny and cher! they got married one night sitting on the floor of their bathroom, alone. they said, "hey, wanna get married?" "hey, okay!" and then did their own little ceremony. lawful, no. perfect, possibly.
i have no idea why i got into all of that, but it seemed like something i should write in my diary so that ill never forget, right? its natural for girls to dream of what their wedding will be like. im just normal, except, i dont know how many write about it in their diaries. oh me and my fantisies. just brush them off.
oh dear, today was fun. dave and i went to nashville shores, woo, and took the slides, got dumped on by the bucket, swam in the water, burnt by the sun, and all the pleasantries that accompany what is nashville shores. also, i stood in dead water, which makes me gag. dave is afraid of heights. people had stupid tatoos [i.e. loony toons and winnie the pooh characters], mullets, cellulite, and wet scabs. we laughed at the oblivious children and mocked the nash shores dj. it was a grand time. then, once we were burned enough and tired of waiting in lines for slides, we left. it is a long drive home, but i liked it, a lot. that car has a very calming effect on me. the car, the music, and dave. we then met up with seth, jay, taka, nigel, and sam to help with the movie. that was really fun, but the sam situation was a little unnerving, so we went and got food and went to my spot instead of following them. ahh my spot. i wish i could just live there for the rest of my life. if only i didnt need food or shelter, i would. and, dave makes my spot even better.
and, in the recent words of dear elise, "enough sap."
i am now setting up a son volt bootleg trade. wow. it will be a first sv boot i will ever recieve. oh man, im pumped.
thats all. take care this week, while im gone. i will miss you, diary. goodnight and goodbye.
"someday when im lonely, wishing you werent so far away, then ill remember things we said today." the beatles, yeah.
