2001-08-05 - 12:38 a.m.
i always sit for so long and stare at this screen before i know what to say. you think id take that time to reflect, but no, i take that time and think about the most pointless things, like my fingernails, or "wild on E!" its bad.
i just got finished watching a re-run of that dmb-guested snl. i remembered how 'boring' "i did it" was, and how touching "the space between" and the ending with jimmy fallon was. ok, im actually gonna talk about this again, imagine that. so jimmy is so excited! you can tell! and dave is so humble and gracious! you can tell! jimmy is actually jumping up and down at one point talking to him and shaking boyds hand. i guess ive just never seen that before- a dmb admirer metting the band. its only natural for me to interpose myself as jimmy and imagine myself giving dave a hug. i guess he just lived it for me, and thats all that i really need, is to see it happen. i really want to meet jay farrar too. although the rendezvous, i can already predict, would be so different. jay is quiet, and i would be nervous, and maybe he would too, and there wouldnt be much to say besides the obligatory compliments and fan-small-talk.
oh the most uncomfortable situation tonight. paying the check at peking palace and i see a mutual friend of my moms waving at me just a few feet away, and so i wave back with the, "hey! how are you doing?" and this kid standing in front of him in line thinks that im talking to him and is like, "hey! doing great! how about you??" i freeze, have no idea what to do, because i just barely recognize this kid. so me, being the horrible person that i am, i kind of glance at the kid, and look back at the friend, and keep talking to him. if i could turn back time, i would have just said to the kid, "well thats good! its good seeing you!" but i didnt. i am the most socially retarded/mean person ever. eventually i walk over to my friend, its so obvious what has happened to the kid, and i dont even look back. i feel soooo bad now. its been on my mind all night. do you ever have those instances where youre so embarassed or so upset that you did/said something and so you keep on reeling the situation over and over in your mind and every time you think of what you said/did you just get more mad at yourself and more embarassed and your face keeps on getting redder and redder? i do that all the time. well, i do it every now and then. the first time that i remember it being really bad was a freshman year flower party at sara valetts. my face still gets hot thinking about it right now. and it was totally nothing, and ill bet that no one even noticed, but at the time, i felt like the biggest retard. i didnt understand why i made that horribly stupid and not-funny comment. i still dont know why. agh im still beating myself up over it!
its weird to think now about sara valetts, and how many times i was there for those little *fun parties* in the house of an extremely affluent family whos lives revolved around cheerleading and little league and having dry parties for all the cheerleaders and the jocks and the associated groups. they were the gayest parties, but they were fun and exciting at the time. i was meeting guys, and new girlfriends, all from woodland. basically alone, since only 3 girls from brentwood middle made cheerleading. i wasnt concerned though. we would dance to aaliyah and play ping pong and swim, and i would lay in the hammock with kris and have dumb conversations and drink dr peppers and eat m&ms and nachos. we thought that we were so mature. we thought that we were so cool.
i volunteered at the frist center this afternoon. i had forgotten that i was scheduled. it was a 4 hour shift in the art quest dept. i liked it, a lot. the kids were so cute and the people were so nice and the job wasnt hard at all. i just had to clean up a little paint and teach two girls how to use scizzors. i had forgotten, so easily, that using scizzors is a learned ability. i also discovered that one of the girls was a lefty. very interesting [for me at least, im very into what being a lefty means, and therefore, wish i was a lefty as well]. i loved teaching the girl how to use scizzors! who would have thought?? she latched on to me [mackinze, that is. a 3-year old little black girl with pretty braids, a pink skirt, and a love for overuse of elmers], and had me carry her around for a good part of her stay. she cried when she had to go. she was the cutest thing ever. it actually, inspired me, even more than before, to consider teaching. yeah, ive thought about it in the past, but i always thought that it was a possibility that i wouldnt be good at it... and there is still that possibility, but im not so pessimistic now. i think that maybe i could do it, and maybe i would like it. i wonder if they could let me teach just a scizzor-usage class for kindergarteners or something. i had so much laud for these kids that were painting and cutting and gluing and drawing. i should be an art teacher, huh?
i went out with talia, robin, and vanessa tonight. we ate at peking palace [oh god, yum] and then couldnt think of what to do so went back to vanessas and just talked for hours. its easy, with talia, she never shuts up, but neither do i, i guess. robin is so wonderful. i always forget how smart and generous and warm he is. talia almost walks all over him though. i can tell that the taxes are starting to build up on that relationship... but hes just so nice that i dont think that hed be able to break up with someone as strong as she. theyre cute together, they have similar views, but she just drowns him out. maybe he doesnt care, or doesnt notice. i dont know. maybe im all wrong. i love them both, so i really should just shut up about all of that. dont need to hurt any feelings or step on any toes there.
dave and i have promised to visit tommorow. i do, i miss him so much. its only been, what, 2 days? but still. thats too long. i need him, his hand tonight, every night. he got into the honors dorm! yay! thats so great. i couldnt be happier for him. i just hope that his roommate is cool. pulaski? dont be superficial alexis, dont be superficial...
thats all. leave you with lots of dave.
"the space between where you smile and hide- thats where youll find me if i get to go. the space between the bullets in our fire fight, is where ill be hiding waiting for you. the rain that falls splashed in your heart, ran like sadness down the window into your room. the space between our wicked lies is the hope to keep safe from pain. take my hand cause were walking out of here, right out of here. is all we need dear. the space between whats wrong and right, is where youll find me hiding waiting for you. the space between your heart and mind is the space we fill with time. the space between the tears we cry, is the laughter keeps us coming back for more. the space between our wicked lies where we hope to keep safe from pain."
