2001-07-29 - 5:15 p.m.
im slowly remembering why i quit smoking. today, for the first time in weeks, i am unhappy, visibly unhappy, and uninspired. even happy music isnt helping. i felt relieved when i realized the possible cause of my depression, but not any better about any of it. well, im never happy at home anymore. im bitter towards my parents. i hardly talk to them, for more reasons than i feel to list. i just want to be out of the house all of the time. i have so much trouble appreciating this fine home that i have such easy access to. but im sick. i hate it here. when its gonna be over is undetermined. i dont want drama, either. i want to fall away with no confrontations or obstacles or compromises. i want out.
its very possible that the excursion last night is what is making all of this feel so much more real, but its possible that its not. sure, its causing my depression, which started this morning at 6.30, when i woke up for about 30 mins, and then fell back asleep with bad images and disturbing thoughts swimming around. but depression is never far from me. all it takes is an invited substance, or an argument, or more effectively, a death. it hits, and i always am very conscious of it.
its no ones fault but my own. its a way to feel alive, i think. people would disagree, yes. people say that happiness is more desirable, and something to live by, and yeah, i like it better, but happiness is not happiness if there is no despair to compare it to. without lonliness and illness and exhaustion and frustration, there is no happiness. so i say that it is no ones fault but my own because i strive for happiness, and when i achieve it, i fall right back. almost a way to feel grounded. thats what i need after a high, because being high is so artificial, and i need reality. ive always needed it, whether i like to admit it or not. i like to think that i live with hope and objective, but i have neither, actually. i live with fear and doubt and do nothing about it. i try, but nothing works. it may be that i dont care to change it. im so indifferent and apathetic that i can rationalize unhappiness, just like ive done here.
i found on the internet history that my mother was looking at psychological problems today. the one she seemed most interested in was dysthymic disorder. the general effects are depressed mood for most of the day, for more days than not, poor appetite or overeating, insomnia/hypersomnia, low energy or fatigue, low self-esteem, poor concentration and difficulty making decisions, feelings of hopelessness. i dont know if she was looking for me or for herself. how sad is that?
well thats a midday report. finishing the testament compelled me.
edit as of 11:26. i fell asleep again today. and im still tired. ive been having these horribly vivid dreams lately though. todays was about my late kitty. i find myself dreaming about alexander all of the time. in the dreams, hes always alive. its never about his death, or me grieving. i also think that i am watching too much tlc during the week because i had a dream a few nights ago that i got married. and, this is so weird... but... it was to seth! but it really wasnt seth, because i didnt even know this guy at the altar. i was so confused because i had never met him before [although he was in seths body]. it was like i had amnesia or something because i didnt remember dating him, or the engagement or anything... i just put on the dress and walked down the aisle. stood at the altar, got married. after said, "uhh, i love you?" he repeated, enthusiastically, "yeah! i love you too!" it didnt have anything really to do with seth, but i thought that was so random that his face would be the one my mind processed as my groom.
i am trying to convince katie to go for this guy that she works with. he might be going to mtsu next semester, and so if all works out, kt and i could possibly commute together. god thats so weird to be considering... i dont want to think about that, at all. ive blocked all of that out of my mind, really. no dreading, no countdowns... very unlike me. maybe im just scared, and dont know how to approach it, or if i should approach it, or what to do at all. im just so scared...
last night he said, "because i like you so much." and i dont know why, but it hit me more than any other time hes said it. i dont want him to go.
