2001-07-15 - 11:35 p.m.
i just got out of the bath. i took a dark one, ergo, a bath in the dark. i havent taken a bath in a while, and tonight seemed like a perfect time to take one. why do i take baths in the dark, you ask? i dont. its just once every other blue moon. ok, so why do i take baths in the dark every other blue moon? good question, i reply. because it feels cool.
it clears my mind, actually. or maybe just organizes or justifies my thinking. yeah, that.
and now taka is fucking up my mind again. i cant concentrate and talk to that kid at the same time. hes so insane that he makes me twice as insane just listening to his stories.
ok i signed offline bc i really feel compelled to write something more than this.
so while in the bath i thought a lot about the present, and how it will affect my future, because in reality, it is my future, and there is no present, but thats getting into zen and the art, and thats not what i want to talk about. i was really thinking about what i would say to my mother if i knew that there would be no negative repercussions or if i was going to part myself from her permanently, ever. i kind of feel like i should write down some of these things, because they make a lot of sense in my head, but whenever i try to convey anything to her, i just get interrupted, or jumbled and confused, or distracted, or just angry. i hate being angry with her because it never accomplishes anything. plus, i like being the rational one in the arguments, i think it gives me an extra edge, ha. even if i dont get my way, i still respect myself more than i respect her. ouch.
so anyway, my problem with her right now is that she is trying so hard to accomidate to my future, and suffocating me in the present [which, in reality, is my future, so therefore she is just suffocating me all over]. she doesnt seem to realize that i dont live like her. i hate to use carpe diem because its so damn cliche, but its the only way that i can think of that really means anything to me. plucking the day seems, well, dumb, but, id rather pluck today rather than the autumn of next year, as she does. the thing is, she really must believe that all that i have to live for is next year. she doesnt realize that i have passions today, that are just as important as the passions that i will be pursuing in college. there are things right now, that with her permission, would give me nothing less than a pure and pristine feeling of true happiness. how many people can say that they know of these things that can make them perfectly happy? i am lucky, for that. her protective blanket is just that though, a damper. i probably sound horribly selfish [as i often do in here], but i firmly believe and entrust that i have a humanly right to the pursuit of happiness. who can argue with that?
wait, i have this right, today! not tommorow, not next week when i become, "an adult," not next year when i enroll in school. i have it today, and i want, more than anything, to excersize it, today. im wondering now if i ever will. how guilty would she feel if i never did? she wouldnt feel guilty at all, i dont think. she is just THAT oblivious to my feelings. you say i should talk to her, be honest, strait-foward, candid, etc. i agree. thats not gonna happen until i feel like she will really hear me though. so hold your horses, and ill hold mine.
angies baby shower was today. i want a baby, umm, please?
my lips hurt. the damn church pew stole my chapstick this morning. DAMN CHURCH!
ha, im going insane.
take care.
oh wait, im not done yet. i went to the accoustic silent friction show last night with dave. damn that was such a nice change. i loved them accoustic. whoa and they covered landslide. big surprise, seriously. i think i liked it... i havent really decided. then after the show scott started playing. i told dave that i could watch scott play all night. i meant it. the guy blows me away. ive never seen anyone [except maybe beauford] play like he does. yeah, thats it. goodnight.
"i still see your bright eyes, bright eyes. and ive always loved you. and it all comes down to you, it all comes down to you."
fleetwood mac, from gypsy... so now you know.
