2001-07-13 - 11:22 p.m.
ok so i considered taking a break from the ol diary last night after reading my entry. i feel like all that i have to write about nowadays is myself and how menial and insignificant my lifestyle is. thats how last nights entry seemed. i figure i should stick with it, though. people seem to enjoy it, who read it. i like it that my brother can keep up with me. and anyway, i remembered that it was my fuckin diary, i can write whatever i want. and i shouldnt feel guilty about anything that i write. im honest, i think that outweighs being self-indulgent in validity.
i downloaded the first jefferson airplane album today in its entirety. listening to it now makes me want to be with them in haight ashbury, in the haight ashbury times, of course. i was happy i thought of it. who knows what planted plastic fantastic lover in my head today.
so i slept til around 11.30 this morning. it felt damn good. dave awakened shortly after, and we made plans for lunch. there, we talked about random things, which then evolved into me listening about the band, or, more specifically, himself and the band. i listened. it was hard for me to respond because of my such strong feelings for esposito. he knows my feelings too. i liked listening to him talk about it though. i dont really have a reason for liking it so much; i just was happy that he would talk to me about it. ah i make no sense.
i was thinking about it, well, a lot, later. i realized how happy i am that im with him because otherwise, theres a great possibility that the only time that i would ever see him would be at shows. so relieved that i broke up with sam when i did. so relieved that i felt inclined to write that note. so relieved that we had those hours with the grass and the slime and the wind and the sun that day after school. so relieved that we could just talk, and be together. i would have missed him so much this summer had all of that not happened. god, thats hard to think about.
speaking of god, i have news to share, but i wont. i want to tell dave before he reads it in here.
i went out with my parents tonight for the bday thing. nice dinner. nice conversations. all went well. my dad gave me this sweet letter. it gave me a substantial lump in the throat. the thing is, theyre already acting like im leaving umm, this semester. already nostalgic and sentimental. im wondering what its gonna be like this time next year if its already this bad.
there was a stray cocker doggie at the resteraunt tonight. it made me so sad. i went out to pet it for a while. i think that our waiter, actually, is gonna take it home. i hope he does, he seemed like a really nice man.
"time exists just on your wrists so dont panic." travis.
honestly talked to my mom today about my panic attacks. much more frequent in the past, as i have mentioned in entries before, but i feel their wrath even today, and i predict they will resurface later this year. im not really sure if there is anything to do about them, and im not sure either if i want to do anything about them. somehow, very crudely, they bring a sense of comfort, or reality, or a feeling of humanness to me. yeah, its weird, and i really dont know how to process it myself, actually. thats all i think im gonna say about that for now.
take care.
and the trend of disappointing longuers continues. im over it.
